"We no longer believe we can grow together as a couple..."

Like many of you, I was saddened recently to hear that Bill and Melinda Gates were divorcing after 27 years of marriage. It doesn’t appear that they made this decision lightly; their carefully crafted announcement mentioned “a great deal of thought and a lot of work on our relationship.” In the end, however, their choice boiled down to, “we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in the next phase of our lives.”

I’m sure it’s hard to reduce a decision of such complexity and magnitude to a single sentence, and growing together does sound like an important and meaningful objective. Nonetheless, the statement felt a little hollow to me. Thinking about it further, I was struck by how many contemporary arguments in favor of marriage focus on its benefits: Stable marriages and families produce better educational, financial and health outcomes for all involved. They provide connection, a sense of purpose and belonging, and support. Many people (Bill and Melinda, for example) also look to marriage to foster personal growth and self-expression.

The Proclamation seems to take a different approach to answering the question, “Why marriage and family?” The only benefits it highlights are progression towards perfection and eternal relationships--rewards that are only fully realized in heaven. Rather than frame marriage as an advantageous, rewarding endeavor, the Proclamation speaks of commandments and appointments, duties and responsibilities, obligations and accountability. The only rights mentioned are those of the children, who are “entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” In short, we are to get married and raise families mostly because “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and... the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” We have to take it on faith that this divine plan is ultimately a "plan of happiness."

Interestingly, when speaking of success in family life, the Proclamation focuses on inputs rather than outcomes. We are taught that “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” I personally find this approach liberating. For one thing, it seems to recognize that successful families don’t all have to look the same, and also that success is measured on an eternal scale. There is less pressure to conform or to be perfect now, or even by the end of mortality.

I don’t mean to suggest that the benefits or marriage and family are not significant or worth highlighting. They most certainly are. But as with many other goals in life, the direct approach is not necessarily the gospel way. Christ's gospel often sounds counter-intuitive; think, for example, of His statement that the meek shall inherit the earth or His injunction to love your enemies and bless them that curse you. Throughout the scriptures we are told that God will fight our battles. The promise is that if we do what He has asked, He will provide the reward--but it will come in His own way and time, which may be a more circuitous route than we would like.

Since starting this blog, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out some brilliant insight about the Proclamation, to show how it is actually deeply liberating and affirming and true. This burst of illumination hasn’t come. Perhaps it still will. But perhaps the Proclamation simply requires that we walk by faith, and perhaps this brilliant insight is something that cannot be passed from one person to another. Maybe some things just have to be experienced to be understood. Isn't that what people always say about parenting anyway?

I suspect that the key lies somewhere in President Hinckley's eyes as he speaks of his wife, or maybe it's somewhere in this quote I read recently in the Ensign:

"A temple worker whose wife passed away after she had suffered a debilitating illness for several years told me, 'I thought I knew what love was--we'd had over 50 blessed years together. But only in trying to care for her in these last few years did I discover what love really is.'"

If you have the insight I'm after, I'd love to hear it! In any case, I'd like to know your thoughts on the following:

If you had to choose a few principles to build your marriage and family upon, what would they be?