I read an article in the New York Times the other day, about how many American women are delaying motherhood. The article quoted several women who gave various reasons for this delay. I found this quote to be especially arresting: "I can not have a kid and not have to feel bad about it... I feel powerful that I can make that decision with my own body. I don't have to have a kid to be successful or to be a woman."
It's funny how you can agree with every part of a statement and yet be at odds with the sentiment as a whole. The rest of the article contains many other thoughtful, well-intentioned responses to the question of when to have children. Here are some of the ones I found particularly compelling:
"I still don't think I have everything I want to set myself up for success... I want to have a house and a career first."
"I want to know who I am first before having kids."
"I don't want them to feel closer to their babysitter than to me."
"Maybe there are fewer babies right now, but people are able to live the lives they want to, and that's a profound thing."
"The perceived price of having children has really increased since... the mid-1990s... Even among the poorest women, there's a recognition that a career is part of a life course."
As with that first statement, it's easy to understand where these women are coming from. Who doesn't want more control over their own life? Or a more fulfilling life, or more meaningful family relationships? It is tempting to conclude, as Jill Filipovic does in an opinion piece, that we need "an intentional shift in culture that doesn't require women to cede so much of themselves (and give up so much of their potential and so many of their other wants) when they have children. That might not result in a baby boom, but it would serve a more worthy goal: healthier families and happier citizens, each a little freer to decide for themselves what makes a good life."
Yet while I sympathize with these sentiments, I nevertheless feel that they fail to consider the full grandeur and purpose of our lives here on earth. I wonder if these women might feel differently if they knew all the truths contained in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. In particular, how might the gospel affect their answers to the following questions?
When does our accountability to future generations begin?
A lot of the women featured in the article felt a responsibility to delay motherhood until they were in a position to give their children a sufficiently good start in the world. While we will certainly be held accountable for the children we do have, the restored gospel teaches us that we also share a collective responsibility for spirits yet unborn. As stated in the Family Proclamation, in the premortal realm we accepted our Heavenly Father's plan by which "His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection." Central to this plan is God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth. I understand this to mean that when we agreed to this plan, we didn't just agree to come to earth - we also agreed (insofar as we are capable) to be partners with God in bringing everyone else to earth as well.
How can I best set my future family up for success?
A lot of the women expressed a sincere desire to get their lives on track before having children, in order to increase the chances of their family's success. While providing for physical needs is a core part of being a parent, I feel it is important to remember that there is no real way for us to ensure that we will always be able to meet our material needs - and there is certainly no bulletproof formula for a successful family. Even the Proclamation teaches that "happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ" - implying that such happiness is never guaranteed. At some point, no matter how well-prepared we are, having children is still a matter of faith. Moreover, success is a long game, measured on an eternal scale. On that scale, only spiritual efforts are magnified. With that perspective, temporal preparations seem a little less crucial.
What makes a good life?
A lot has been said about the price of having a child - a price that can to some extent be quantified in terms of lost wages, lost leisure, the physical toll of parenthood, childcare expenditures, etc. The value of a child, on the other hand, is much harder to measure. How does one even begin to describe the blessings of having children, except with vague references to hugs and smiles and joy? Still less can we quantify the value of an eternal family. With such a ledger, where the costs are easily numerated but the benefits are so indeterminate, how is one to make any sort of reliable judgment as to what constitutes a good life? Yet I feel deeply that those who choose to bear children "shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures" (D&C 89:19). It is not by accident that these treasures are hidden - only those who make the leap of faith will ever come to know the depth and breadth of a life lived with, and largely for, children. Those who do make this choice are in good company - God Himself declared that His work and glory is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of [His children]."
How can I find personal fulfillment amidst the demands of raising a family?
It may seem logical to believe that you should know yourself well before introducing a child into your life. Likewise, it is tempting to believe that taking care of yourself first is not only justifiable, but will actually make you more able to care for others. But I'm not sure it is true. It certainly wasn't what Christ - He who clothed the lilies of the field and had not where to lay his head - preached or practiced. In fact, He specifically taught that "whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt 16:25). We are beings with infinite potential, but paradoxically, we fulfill this potential only by focusing outward. The more selflessly we do so, the more of ourselves there will be for us to know.
Perhaps the best response to the article was given by my mother. After reading the article in the Times, I asked her, "Do you think choosing not to have children makes you any less of a woman?" Her response was, "I think it's not a matter of less of a woman than less of a disciple." That about sums it up, I think.
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