As I discussed in my previous post, I am aware that there are many persons who, for whatever reason, chafe against the physical or role-based aspects of their biological gender. My heart goes out to individuals and families who are grappling with these issues. I may not fully understand your pain, but I know it is real. I will not attempt to address the exceedingly complex topic of what might be causing such feelings, but I would like to talk a little about how I feel we should respond when we come across this conflict. In my view, our response largely hinges on the question of stewardship:
Those outside our stewardship
Addressing cases of gender conflict among those not under our stewardship seems relatively straightforward to me. I believe that my only job here is to extend love and support in as many ways as I can. It is not my place to offer counsel, much less judgement. I would hope that my whole family could continue to associate with them at church, at home, and elsewhere. I would address them as they prefer to be addressed, and would truly hope to be considered a friend, especially in time of need.
If you are currently struggling with the issue of gender, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the following:
How can I support you and your family?
Do you feel that someone can adhere completely to the Family Proclamation’s teachings about gender, and yet be a genuine friend to you and yours?
Those within our stewardship
Now, if the persons in question are under my stewardship, I believe the right course of action becomes far more difficult to discern, and feels much weightier. I feel that Tom Christofferson’s book offers some useful counsel when thinking about this subject. He recounts his parents’ response upon learning that he was gay, saying, “It strikes me that they held the revelations they received for their stewardship of their children to be both sacred and personal. Their reticence to trumpet the “right way” for all families to approach these challenges reflected their reluctance to impose upon the sacred space of any other parents’ opportunities and obligations to hear Heavenly Father’s counsel, reflecting His knowledge of the unique personalities and needs of those children.” I feel that these are wise words indeed. While I have no prescriptions to offer, I will share a few of the questions and thoughts that would be foremost in my mind, if I were faced with this challenge:
1. How can I help relieve their pain?
If a child of mine were suffering from gender dysphoria, I imagine this question would be at the top of my list. How can I demonstrate my unconditional love for them, in a way that they would understand and appreciate, and so hopefully ease their distress?
My next thought, however (or maybe even my first), might be, “How can I help nourish their relationship with their Heavenly Father and their Savior?” I have always felt that the fundamental truth of the gospel is that we are all children of a Father in Heaven who loves us. I cannot imagine tackling this particular challenge without both feeling God’s love, frequently and tangibly, and also feeling truly known by Him. I also know that Christ, having suffered our infirmities “according to the flesh,” (Alma 7:12) knows better than I do how to succor those in need. He can surely heal and comfort where I cannot.
2. How can I keep them on the gospel path?
I pose the question above because to me, it is like asking, “How can I ensure their eternal happiness?” I firmly believe that obedience to gospel principles (including first and foremost, faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ), is the only way to lasting happiness. Yet even as I ask the question, I know that the answer is, “I can’t.” During a recent family scripture study session, my daughter reminded us that a third of the heavenly host chose to reject God’s plan prior to mortality. A third! I sat there, looking at my little family of six, and the enormity of that fact sank in a little more. Such a heart-breaking number - and yet God let them go. Seemingly, when it comes to our eternal welfare, agency is more important than obedience even. I should add the caveat that I believe parents have a right to restrict the actions of their children, up to the age of maturity. Whether that is the wisest course of action is something each parent will have to grapple with, personally.
Yet I do think that while we have to trust our children to exercise their divine gift of agency, we can help by being steadfast in our own commitment to the gospel. I find myself agreeing with what Elder Todd Christofferson (Tom’s older brother) said:
“In reality, the best way to help those we love—the best way to love them—is to continue to put the Savior first. If we cast ourselves adrift from the Lord out of sympathy for loved ones who are suffering or distressed, then we lose the means by which we might have helped them. If, however, we remain firmly rooted in faith in Christ, we are in a position both to receive and to offer divine help. If (or I should say when) the moment comes that a beloved family member wants desperately to turn to the only true and lasting source of help, he or she will know whom to trust as a guide and a companion.” (2014 CES devotional for young adults)
3. Can I do this? How??
I feel certain there will be many moments when I question my ability to offer my child (or another under my stewardship) the guidance and help and love that is so desperately needed. At such times, I will have to trust that these words to Oliver Cowdery apply equally to me: “As often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time” (D&C 6:14). In other words, I am where I am meant to be, and I have and will be given what I need to meet the moment, even if it comes one moment at a time.
I feel there is a third group of people that is important to think about, and that is those under our stewardship who aren’t questioning their gender, but who may be wondering how to reconcile doctrinal principles with struggles they see around them (or may one day experience). How, for example, should I teach my children about gender? In my next post I will attempt to find out, probably by asking loads of people! Please, help me out...
How do you teach your children about gender?
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